Feature Stories
The Greatest Gift...On a Boring Flight
‘Tis the season to be stuck on the tarmac. Now that we can put election fever behind us, it’s time to get manic about something else: the holidays! The holiday season pretty much guarantees a short list of things, including travel, shopping, and someone’s drunk uncle. What it doesn’t offer is a lot of spare time. Well, folks, it’s your lucky day, because we’re going to talk about how you can combine two of the three with the Christmas miracle that is Sky Mall.
Seriously, there is no better way to pass the time in flight. (Note: reading, sleeping, working on a laptop, listening to music, watching babies cry, and eating packaged airplane food were not considered when finding these results.) Sky Mall can be incredibly useful; imagine getting all of your holiday shopping done before you land for Thanksgiving dinner! If you have unlimited money and friends who don’t want to receive anything remotely practical, then Sky Mall is perfect for you!
Of course, not everyone sees the true glory of Sky Mall. When asked her thoughts, one respondent simply wrote, “Dude, I’ve never used Sky Mall.” OK, fair enough. But that’s precisely why I’m arguing that Sky Mall is wonderful. Even if you have no interest in purchasing goods, it is a wildly entertaining read. In browsing their catalog, Sky Mall promises that you can “find the coolest stuff on the planet!” I’m not entirely on board with the verity of that statement, but by golly, you will laugh ‘til you pee.
Sky Mall specializes in selling things you don’t need for more money than you have (See “NoseAid” and pay $30 to hang your child out to dry). After looking through these goods, you will be a) sad for the future of mankind or b) amazed by what must be the single boldest, most clever group of businesspeople on earth.
Within Sky Mall’s dizzying selection of products, you’re sure to find something stupid for even the toughest recipients on your gift-giving list. Mom already has a full suit of 16th century Italian armor? (available for $975.00) No problem! Perhaps she could use some “Poop Freeze”—the product that “chills animal waste to -62°F… enabl[ing] you to quickly place in a bag and dispose”—for a mere $14.95. You're welcome, Mom!
In an effort to expedite your holiday shopping, today I bring you my ten favorite Sky Mall products.
10. The Feline Drinking Fountain ($69.95) For the absolute laziest person in your family. Wow. I mean, sure, cats are way snobby, but was your cat born at Versailles? Bowls are so passé. This drinking fountain “encourages proper hydration by attracting pets to drink more.” Unfortunately, I think getting this fountain as a present would also attract me to drink more.
9. The Bigfoot Garden Sculpture ($98.95) For whoever regifted something for you last year. This gift "will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style!” Creative is right. This crap is two feet tall and promises “startling realism.” Because that’s how I want new visitors to judge me—by the yedi next to my tomato plants. Best of all, even the Bigfoot appears to be skeptical that you made this purchase.
8. The Slanket ($44.99) Honestly, my mother is always cold and would actually probably love to have this. But this makes the list because it disturbs me so much to say the word “Slanket.”
7. T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy Sculpture ($89.95) For your Republican uncle. Yeah, sure thing, Uncle Pete. Tell me that story again about the time you went hunting and shot a T-rex all by yourself. If nothing else, this foot-and-a-half long sculpture will scare the crap out of your little cousin when he comes downstairs in footie pajamas for a late-night glass of milk.
6. Flying Alarm Clock ($39.95) For anyone of whom you are jealous. This is perhaps the meanest torture device I can imagine. “This digital alarm clock launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds, and will not cease ringing until the rotor is returned to the alarm clock base.” There is nothing that would wake me with more urgency than the knowledge that if I don’t get up, a huge propeller will give me a very unsightly haircut.
5. Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table ($95.00) For grandma, who said you were looking “chubby” this summer. There’s no better way to put things in perspective than to make her look at a giant fake buttcheek with a thong that ends right below her glass of iced tea.
4. Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier (39.99) For crazy grandpa, with his latent dreams of international espionage. “It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations and even hear soft voices from 50 feet away.” OK, so I understand this in concept: hearing aides make you look elderly, so you disguise the device as a Bluetooth headset and feel much younger. The inherent flaw with this is that those people who never remove their Bluetooth earpieces are equally deserving of mockery.
3. Pet Observation Dome ($29.95) For the puppy who chewed your Louboutins. This has to be the single most maddening thing you can ever do to an animal (other than putting the Bigfoot sculpture in your yard). Now, your dog can see how much cooler your neighbor’s barbeque is. Expect a broken nose or two before he gets the point. And watch out for your neighbor’s son stealthily peering through this porthole.
2. Day Clock ($39.98) For a moron. The description of this product begins with the following question: “Do you have little trouble keeping track of the hour and even the date, but the day of the week eludes you?” Seriously? If this product interests you even slightly, you need more help than this clock can provide. "Pay attention, Jimmy. When the big hand is on "Wednesday," you can come out of time-out." I can’t even believe this exists.
1. 40-foot Marshmallow Bazooka ($49.95) For the kid you love, whose parents you hate. This is what you purchase when the Marshmallow Shooter, for $24.95, just isn’t enough. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I totally want to own this. It looks massively fun…but not for $50. In fact, this has to be the worst use of $50 in history. It does promise to “forever change the rules of engagement for marshmallow-gun confrontations.” Someone alert General Petraeus.
Bonus Pick:
** The Relax and Nap Pillow ($19.95-69.95) For a narcoleptic. This is the most amazing picture I have ever seen. “Um. Ma’am? You look crazy.” This pillow claims to be “The Greatest Gift,” and yet I can’t think of a less comfortable position in which to sleep. Apparently, you can breathe easily while sleeping on your tummy, thanks to this drool trough that opens up right under your face. In what situation would this be at all attractive/handy/comfortable/restful? Oh wait. I’ve got it. This woman is keeping still to hide from a T-Rex. Too bad no one told her that Uncle Pete already mounted it on the wall.
To be fair, Sky Mall does offer some useful products, many of which are in the “Travel” category. There are travel pillows and handy luggage pieces galore. Sky Mall also has some great carrying cases for pets. These are the most likely products you might purchase during the flight, mainly because you didn’t bring them and are uncomfortable. But Sky Mall will always be more useful for entertainment than anything else. And for that, on this Turkey Day travel weekend, I am truly thankful.
